Only one letter (Prologue)

Numb…

Yes, that was the word my mind had been searching for hours. My body felt weak, and I was tired. I wasn't in pain, no. How can a paralyzed body feel pain? But there was a sense of emptiness inside me.

I turned away from the window. The lights were dizzying, and the constant flow of people walking past confused me. What were they doing? Why were they coming to the hospital? Why were they leaving? Some didn't even seem to notice the building; they just walked past, talking on their phones or laughing with those beside them. How could they find humor outside a building filled with people fighting? Or dying?

I looked at the door. No surprises were waiting for me there. I already knew who would enter and when: my mom, the nurse, and the doctor himself. When I was staring at the door, I wasn't secretly hoping that I would see him. He couldn't be here, but while I was looking at the outside world, I couldn't stop hoping to see him pass through those doors. In my mind, he was holding flowers and a teddy bear. He was wearing his old jeans, the ones he refused to throw away. He was nervous. He was biting his lower lip. His hands were cold. I could see the sweat on his forehead.

I watched him enter the hospital excitedly in the world of the window. In the world of the door, I wasn't dreaming anymore.

The voice of the nurse forced me out of my dark thoughts. It was better that way.

“Are you going to breastfeed him?” asked the sweet nurse.

“Sure,” I replied, and I smiled. It was the first time they would allow me to do it, two days after the birth. I wasn't going to let this opportunity go to waste. I slowly returned to my bed and sat down as carefully as possible. However, I felt a sharp pain running down my back. The nurse didn't say anything; she just glanced at me full of pity. My heart sank. I thought she was going to take him away again, and I would be alone with my dark thoughts. But, in the end, she approached me. She hit a button and adjusted the bed and pillows. The pain was instantly forgotten.

She gave me some hand sanitizer, then showed me how to hold him. My little creature... I hugged him and smelled him. I started crying, unable to wipe my tears because I was too afraid to move. The nurse untied the robe and covered me with a sheet. She pushed my hands upwards, bringing his forehead into contact with my skin. He was warm and fragile, and I feared I would break him.

My little boy started drinking milk, and the sensation was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I didn't even know if there were words to describe it, so I didn't try. I simply lowered my head and looked at the little wonder I had brought into this world.

"Katerina, what the hell are you doing? You've done enough damage. Think of your back. Please," said my mom, who had just entered the room. She almost touched him. Her face turned red, perhaps from shame, as she took a few steps back, keeping her distance from the baby.

I sighed.

"Relax, mum. Don't worry. The doctor came while you were away, and we talked about it. It's not good for me to abstain from breastfeeding. The baby needs all the antibodies I can give him, and my body needs it too. It will help me heal after birth. As long as I'm sitting down, it's okay. Ask him if you don't believe me." My voice was calm, but I felt my blood boil. I couldn't handle her attitude anymore. Yes, I was 18 years old, but I was still an adult and perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I had to grow up fast if I wanted to survive.

"Your back needs time to heal. I'm worried."

"I thought you of all people would understand me. You are a mother, too. You know that when babies are born they're constantly stressed. The environment is so new, the sounds, the smells, all the visual stimuli make them anxious. When I hold him, he hears the same thing he had been hearing for nine months: my steady heartbeat. It's good for him. This baby is now my entire world, and I want to offer him as much as I can. I'm just breastfeeding him, mom. I'm sitting down and I'm not in pain. I'm fine, I promise."

My mom sat in the chair next to the bedside. She whispered a few "I'm sorry" before hiding her face in her palms.

For a while, the room was quiet. The nurse left, as she had other patients to attend to. I was the one who broke the silence.

"Mom, please try to contact him. I can't talk to him, but I think he should know he has a son." The words left a bitter feeling.

"Are you sure? I don't think this is the right time to make that kind of decision. We can discuss it in a few weeks when things will be clearer."

"Please, for once, do me this favor. It is my life and, if need be, my mistakes." My mom gave me a soft stroke on the head before she left the room.

I leaned back and closed my eyes for a couple of seconds.

"He needs to know," I whispered to the empty walls of the hospital. It was time to start deciding for myself and stop being afraid of others. 

All thoughts escaped my mind. There was only me and my baby.

 

Author's Note

This prologue belongs to a book called "Ένα μόνο γράμμα", which means "Only one letter". Unfortunately, it is published in Greek only. You can check it out here.